22404: please post anonymously (fwd): sex and rape in Haiti

[Bob Corbett <corbetre@webster.edu>]

I have been reading the posts about sex and rape in Haiti with great
interest.  I would like to add my personal experience to the
conversation....

I am an American female. I lived there doing work with the church off and on
for three years. I have strong values about family and marriage and have
choosen to remain a virgin until I marry.

I am dating a Haitian man that I met while living in Port-au-Prince. I did
not have the intention of meeting anyone while I was there. People
continually tried to hook me up with single guys who were leaders in the
church, more or less so they could keep the "blan" I think. I was in a
position of leadership, directing a computer school, and had difficulties
managing my mostly male staff and student body. Many of them tried to court
me, bringing flowers and food to the school. I did not respond. I was not in
Haiti to play. I felt very alone and unsure about what do to. I didn't have
any support mechanisms and I didn't understand the culture to know what was
the appropriate thing to do. I tried to talk to many women to get ideas.
Most of them were very surprised that I had no interest. They couldn't
imagine being my age and not wanting to start a family, etc. What I quickly
realized through observation is that men back off if you say you have a
boyfriend or a husband. Most of them respect relationships in that they will
not try to court you if you have accepted the courtship of another man.

Things took a funny turn a few months later, when I began to get involved
with a strong man who often defended me and stood up for my independence. It
happened much as it happens everywhere. We talked about dreams and life and
beliefs and found ourselves on the same page even though we were from
different worlds.

Here's where the story takes some strange twists. Not long after we began
dating, I had plans to go to his home for dinner. Unfortunately, I couldn't
make it. That night a terrible thing happened, 6 men broke into the house
with weapons. They were looking for me and they were looking for my money --
cause of course I'm a "blan" with lots of it. They stole everything from the
house and each one of them raped his oldest sister (who was married with a
child - but who's husband lives in the states) The whole thing distrubed me
greatly. I didn't know how to intrepret it -- as random violence or
specifically as a retribution against our relationship. My boyfriend
explained to me that people we knew were involved in setting it up, but I'm
confused - even now, three years later, what really happened. From then
until a year forward we could have no public relationship. We couldn't talk
really, couldn't see each other. And in fact it mostly broke our
relationship up, but somehow, I'm not quite sure how, we are still together.

I don't think rape is inherent per se in Haitian culture. I think there is
less education and fewer mechanisms to protect victims. Women often,
everywhere, when victimized assume it is thier fault. That I don't think is
very different either. In some places, there are more societal mechanisms.
We, in the US, have laws and lawsuits to protect against sexual assult in
the workplace. It is well-publicized and a social norm to know that it is
very taboo. We have sex education and domestic abuse campaigns, protection
houses and counselors, etc. What did my boyfriend's sister have? A crying
husband who wouldn't come home to help her. Doctor's visits to make sure she
didn't get AIDS, a fear of ever going home and me, who decided to go live
with her in another part of town as a means of support. Other than that she
really had nothing.

The ability or temptation to rape women is the same all over the world. Men,
when they get you alone and think they can get away with it -- if they don't
have a strong moral concious or some other thing which tells them to control
themselves -- will often try. It is for many a power trip, etc, etc, etc, a
well documented phenomena. It often, I think, is execerbated in situations
where men feel trapped. I point to the inner city as an example. I grew up
near Detroit, and was constantly on gaurd against rape. Men there often
tried to molest or rape young girls, so I grew up thinking I would always
have to fight them. Rape in Haiti needs attention (as it does in many places
in the world). Education, policy and law are means of changing norms and
expectations and are a measure to prevent violence and predetory behavior.

As an adult, I have dated men from a number of different cultures and have
found deep in that they are a lot the same.... once you set initial
expectations. By this I mean, the rituals leading to sex (a man's behavior
and a women's repsonse) are different, but if you have share expectations or
have a conversation to create expectations (if you come from different
cultures) the ritual is understood. Therefore, you cannot judge a foriegn
culture based on your own rituals and expectations. In this relationship my
boyfriend and I had different understandings of what each other's behavior
meant. He was much more aggressive about the issue of sex and did things
that I didn't quite understand. But he never did anything when I said stop!
Over time that he realized that I was uncomfortable with some of the things
he did, and due to his concern for my happiness, he changed his behavior. We
needed conversation to air differences, to explain what would not need
explaination if we were from the same culture with the same understanding of
what was happening.

I would like to add that there are some qualities attributed to men in
Haitian culture that I deeply appreciate. I noticed while living in a number
of Haitian households that men are very sensitive about their wives and
children. I would say that there seems to be an affordence in Haiti for men
to "chouchoute" and protect their households in a more blatent way than what
is the norm in the US. There is also reminices of galance -- opening doors
and so forth -- that even strong women have to smile about deeply inside.

These are just one women's experiences.