#3089: Welcome to the First Issue of Zonyon! (fwd)

[Robert Corbett <bcorbett@netcom.com>]

From: Guy Antoine <GuyAntoine@windowsonhaiti.com>

Kisa m tande la? Zonyon!

Welcome to the first issue of Zonyon!

-- Invasion of the yachtpeople - Thousands of American Refugees In Danger
of Repatriation by the Préval Administration

This morning at around 5:00 a.m., one could witness what has become an
all-too-familiar scene on Haitian beaches. Hundreds of American citizens
swimming ashore, leaving behind their leaky yachts, and seeking promptly to
assimilate themselves among a throng of puzzled Haitian onlookers. Their
quest to attain inconspicuous and anonymous identities have so far failed to
deter the sharp eyes of the Haitian Immigration and Naturalization Service
agents. As one of those agents revealed to us, with assurances of
confidentiality: "Here in Haiti, l'enquête se poursuit. This is not America.
I don't know how I do it, but I can always recognize a blan when I see one."

Préval for his part issued a stern warning to the millions of Americans who
are preparing to swim their way to Haiti: "You all say that you come here to
see Aubelin Jolicoeur. But we know better. You truly come for our Vodou.
You are in fact religious refugees. We have no choice but to send you back
to North Carolina."

In the U.S., the ACLU. is threatening to take the matter all the way to the
Supreme Court of Haiti, as soon as they find its address.

"This is outrageous," a spokesman for the organization said, "the fact
that they have the good stuff is no sufficient reason to keep us out. What
choice do we have? Should we continue to co-exist with Jesse Helms
and Clarence Thomas?  P..l..e..a..s..e!"

Zonyon! will keep its ears to the ground to keep you informed of further
development in this continuing saga.



-- Top secret AP and Reuters high level meetings revealed

The cat is out of the bag. The Wall Street experts that have been predicting
a merger of AP and Reuters were simply wrong, according to our undercover
operative. Something far more ominous has taken place. The world's top
economists were ready to make public some astounding news: One country
in the Americas was actually poorer than Haiti. Just a few minutes prior to
their spectacular announcement, they were convinced by some insistent AP
and Reuters lobbyists to give the news agencies some time to regroup. Since
then, in the past seventy-two hours, top executives at the two agencies have
traveled to top secret meetings in places as far away as Roswell, NM to
decide  how they would modify their patented description of Haiti, otherwise
known as "The Phrase".  All of this activity has prompted the Reuters Bureau
in Port-au-Prince to requisition one more fax machine and several light
bulbs.

Zonyon! has learned that a last minute, face saving solution was reached to
the tremendous satisfaction of all involved. AP and Reuters news stories
would continue to refer to Haiti as "the poorest country in the Western
Hemisphere". The "other country", yet unnamed pending a special news
conference from America and Europe's top economic theorists and policy
makers, will be referred to and patented as "even poorer than Haiti, the
poorest country in the Western Hemisphere".



-- French President in denial of his recently discovered Haitian Roots

The Genealogical Society of Former French Colonies has recently published
its findings which retrace the roots of some prominent French public
figures, most notably President Jacques Chirac, to the former settlers of a
number of islands of the Caribbean sea. In particular, President Chirac is
said to be a ninth generation descendant of settler Emmanuel Le Pen and
his concubine Kinte Chirak, in the northern part of Haiti not far from the
celebrated Bwa Kayiman.

At a press conference in Guadeloupe, one of many stops of his pilgrimage of
Francophone countries and departments around the world, a Zonyon! reporter
brazenly asked the French President whether he would visit the birthplace of
his gr-gr-gr-gr-gr-great-grandparents. Chirac was ostensibly troubled and
responded somewhat in jest that "Chirac, with a c", could not be confused
with "Chirak, with a k".

"Besides," he said, "the story could not possibly be true since properly
speaking Haiti has never been a French colony. It puzzles me as to how
those people even came to be speaking French. Perhaps, their African
dialect Kreyol has independently evolved into French. I have just finished
reading the memoirs of Napoleon, and nowhere in it does he mention the
word HAITI.  That is historic enough for me."

At the post-conference party, the guests were treated to the infectious
sounds of Zouk and Haitian guest, Sweet Mickey. Our Zonyon! reporter
could not resist a smile when he noticed President Chirac trying a step
or two on the dance floor, to the exhortations of Michel Martelly. He had
that distinctively Caribbean sway of the hip.


-- In the next issue: What else?  More onions...


Zonyon! currently holds several openings for writers, freelance reporters
and cartoonists. We'll pay you less than dirt, but will invite you to our
first annual grand omelet party. All submissions remain the property of
Zonyon!'s parent, GAJMA, Inc.

Zonyon! will be published regularly at times, depending on the acidity of
the environment.